My poor mother

I was born at a young age. I started walking at about 10 months and i was speaking full sentences at about a year. My poor mother (a phrase i will be repeating) wasn't really equipped to deal with the sort of energy i had back then. I'm not sure many people could have handled me. I'm not really aware of the order of events here but that's not really important so ill be kind of all over the place, please bare with me as i share a few of my mis adventures.

My mother not being very well endowed and kind of self conscious about it would take me on the bus where ever we needed to go. I was kind of a loud individual, i guess i would yell at the top of my lungs," My mom has boobs!" She would freak and try to slink into her seat and hide. Not really sure why i said it but i must have been amused because i did it on more than one occasion I liked the bus and the people around me id always talk to strangers and stare out the window looking at trucks and things. One time i turned around and there was a man sitting directly behind us. I looked up at him and i was shocked," You have no hair," I said to the man. Him and my mother chuckling to themselves at the silly things kids say. He acted all shocked and touched his head,"What really?" I'm sure he thought he was being funny. "Your ugly!" I replied to him. My mother squirmed at that point i am sure. On many occasions i did and said things so embarrassing she would simply have to get off at the next stop and call her sister to come pick her up or wait for another bus.

I was a busy little man most of the time. I figured out how to take my crib apart when i was really little. Baby jail wasn't holding me for long. I could unscrew the bars on it and climb out on my own. So one morning when i woke up predawn. I unscrewed the bars and made my way to the front door. My parents sleeping in their room quietly had no idea. I pushed a chair up to the door unlocked the chain, dead bolt and popped the lock on the handle. I knew there was a playground close by and didn't want to bother my parents asking if i could go out. After some time passed my mom wakes up in the morning to find the door ajar and me missing from my room. Oh the panic that must have struck her heart. Freaking out she ran from room to room looking for me, but i was nowhere to be found. Running up to the window she looked outside only to see me. In my diaper riding a swing smiling away happily," Hi mom, oh your awake." My poor mother...

Another time i woke her up by running into her room screaming as loud as my poor little lungs could. She looks up at me asking," Dale whats wrong" All i can do is continue to scream with my eyes squeezed shut as hard as i could. "Open your eyes Dale, look at me, whats wrong," She is still half asleep but her mind is racing. I open my eyes and they are both completely black. Now she is sitting up confused and worried,"Dale what did you do?!?" Well for some reason i had escaped in the morning early again and went into the kitchen and poured pepper in BOTH my eyes. Not just one, but both of them. Not even a little, i had blacked out both my eyes. She grabbed me and rushed me into the kitchen and held my head in the sink rinsing my face till it cleared up. I will never quite understand why or how i managed that one but its par for the course really. The Dr told her i could have gone blind if she hadn't cleaned my eyes out as fast as she did. My poor mother......

Another time i was staying at my aunt and uncles place for the weekend. Having no kids themselves it was fun for them to take me on. I always liked going there it was like Christmas. Although the whole kids behave around others better than around their parents didn't really hold true from me. I'm not sure why but i hid my aunts keys in a sak of potatoes. They looked everywhere for hours, only to find them after the locksmith had already come out and made new keys for everything costing a fair chunk of change. I just recently heard this story for the first time, its great. My aunt and uncle were sleeping when my aunt woke up because she heard something downstairs. Jabbing my uncle in the ribs to go look, he got up and wandered down. Quietly he crept through the place, he could also hear something, but not having kids being half asleep and forgetting i was even there he was quite concerned. He spies a light on in the kitchen so he sneaks towards it. The fridge is open and he cant see anyone so he sneaks around the to the other side of the kitchen thinking he is about to happen upon this prowler. He jumps around the corner only to find me standing there naked. I had taken all my clothes off and found a big can of purple koolaid mix. Wet my body and poured it all over me, "Hi uncle Mike I'M PURPLE!" i said as pleased with myself as could be. All he could do was laugh and go grab my aunt to see the mess i had created. I was bad ass.

One time when i was really little, my mother took me to another one of my relatives homes. They had just bought this house and we were going to see it. The yard there wasn't quite finished being landscaped so there was alot of dirt and mud there. I managed to get away from her and run off into the largest puddle i could find. Off I went to the middle and sat right down. Every attempt to get close to me was met with alot of frustration as i kept splashing anything that came near me. After a few tries my mom finally gave up and let me sit there. Makes me proud to know i have always been a pain.

There was also the time i lived above my other aunt and her roommate. I think i was about 4 at the time. I have no idea what came over me but i had decided to insert the hose into their mail slot that went through the door.Oh you know what came next, i turned the hose on full blast and walked away. Wouldn't have been so bad if someone was home to stop it but that wasn't the case. My aunt returned home from work hours later only to find a huge pool of water coming out her front door. Of course i denied it but with my track record it didn't go over well. A few weeks later they had left their door unlocked and i snuck in a found a black felt pen and doodled on everything in her place. Her roommate hated me and i cant blame her i would have hated me too. Good thing i was cute when i was little i may not have survived my youth.

I had another aunt that lived next door to us in a different house. ( I do have lots of aunts and uncles) Anyways they weren't home one day and my cousin diane was over. We were outside playing and started to get bored. Diane tells me that she wants to play with the toys in my aunts place next door and being the helpful little tot that i, was decided to figure out a way inside. Checked all the windows and doors with no luck. So i grabbed a rock and walked towards the patio sliding door. SMASH! Our entry made alot of noise, so much so that my dad sleeping next door heard it and came running over and caught us inside playing with the toys. hehhehe again i tried to deny it but no luck. Geez i could go on and on. My poor mother, im surprised her hair isnt more grey than it is. Around Christmas time my parents had to go somewhere and needed a sitter. She had a friends place with kids so off i went to stay the weekend there. I grew up with these kids so i was having a great time. They had their christmas tree up with presents under it.Now i wasnt used to that because my mother knew better than to keep presents out in the open like that. Well after the first night i just couldnt help myself, i got up real early. Before anyone else in the house. Made my way over to the booty just sitting there in the open. Well a little while later my mother gets a call from her friend saying , "Come get your bastard child from our house NOW!" I had opened every present under the tree, and was playing with all the toys having a great time. They had gifts people from out of town had sent. They werent even sure who's was what. I know i know your all thinking how could I have done any of these things. But its true i was a wee bit of a handful when i was little. I still know that family i did that too and we are good friends. Again my poor mother.....