There is this thing, a word that i just cant get enough of hearing. Its not "free" or "Yes" or "hemorrhoid" Its a simple three letter word that has the power to lift my spirit up from any depth of misery, Its "Dad" It can be said in any way sarcastic, loving, pissed off, whatever. I can not seem to get enough of that word. The only other requirement is that, well... my son has to say it. (I'm three shades of freak but cmon people get your mind out of the gutter, geez!) Back to my point, pre-parenthood my life had some meaning but it wasn't really anything substantial. Getting high or laid is hardly a meaning to life its merely an existence. I was married but that seemed like a party mostly.
When my wife got pregnant i was happy,kinda scared and supremely misinformed. I had heard all the talk about how it changes your life, listened to people tell me its the best thing ever. I heard all the buzz about it. In a small way i also knew it was going to be an experience that would forever change my life. I mostly thought of the responsibilities and diaper changes. All the missing sleep and stress that comes along with having a small child around. I am a fairly emotional guy and i was expecting to receive a flood of happiness that i had heard was part of being a parent. Even more i had seen pregnant women before and of course i knew how kids were born etc but WOW was it a shock to be that involved with a pregnant woman. My wife swelled up and was host to this creation that i helped make. It really messed with my head. I found it amusing how i had somehow missed the entire point to all of it till i was part of it. I do try to feel and see things from other peoples points of view but till that point in my life i had no idea.
After nine months of taking care of my wife and making those trips for the odd cravings women get when they are pregnant (who puts hot sauce in McDonald's strawberry milkshakes...yuck) I figured i was generally well prepared for the coming event. My son was due on May 12/2000 When that day came and went my nerves started to get a bit tense. ( i know her nerves were shot too but I'm talking about me here she can write her own damn record of events) So ya i was entering a weird place. My wife wasn't very pleased about missing her due date, I guess that's like adding time onto a prison sentence for something you didn't do. Not really fair. She begged the Dr's to induce labour. The Dr's set a date and told us when to come in. The date happened to be my birthday May 15. I wasn't sure how to take that but whatever i wasn't going to ask her to hold out for another day, Ive done stupid things before but that could have been lethal.
May 14 we went to bed around 12:00 at night, i had passed out peacefully beside my wife at my mother in laws place. Knowing we were going to need all the extra help we could get and having the opportunity it just made sense to stay there for awhile. I remember this vividly at 12:25 i hear this noise that wake's my sleeping ass up a bit," Dale my water just broke.." Now i am not good when i wake up, things are a bit foggy for me for a few minutes before i understand the world. I sit up in bed looking around thinking wtf? "Huh," is all i can muster out as i watch her walking towards the bed holding her stomach. I lay back down hoping this will all go away and let me sleep. "DALE, we have to go to the hospital my WATER BROKE!"she says again with a bit more ferocity. Lying on my back with my eyes closed on the verge of dreamland the thought runs through my head and registers fully. "OH SHIT!" I sit up straight now, " I start freaking out, "OK OK hold on a sec uhh what do we do?" I start running down the stairs in my boxers with my keys in hand. Now I'm a all flustered half naked, brain still not quite functioning but I'm trying to force it. I hear the obvious. "Hey your going to need some clothes, and how about helping me will ya" she yells at me. I turn around and by this time i am feeling a bit more coherent. I see my mother in law is awake and we all get things in order to go to the hospital. I eventually get dressed and help my wife to the truck and speed off to the hospital.
12:35 We arrive at the hospital. No shit what seemed to take forever was only a few minutes. My in laws told us to go and that they would bring her all her stuff in a bit. We get to the hospital which is located downtown, not to far from where we were staying. I find parking rather easily at midnight. We get out of the truck and start going towards the front doors only to get stopped by security, " Hey what are you doing?" they ask us. Lots of crack heads and homeless people downtown so it is kinda valid. I tell them whats up and i figure id get some sort of reaction from them. Wrong, they point at the door and casually walk away drinking their coffee's. After a bit of messing around and doing paper work she gets up to her room rather uneventfully. We are lucky to goet a room all to ourselves. Her parent show up and we start to wait.
By morning i had called my parents and brother and a few other people. They all started to show up and hang out in the room with us. My wife didn't really seem to mind. It was my birthday and she was doing ok with labor at that point. Pain for her didn't make her freak out she just got real quiet. The events of that day could fill a book up so i will kinda blurr through it. One rather funny thing did happen though. My brother from lack of sleep decided to have a nap in the waiting room. Well there was 25 kids born that day so there was alot of people in the maternity ward. He still manages to find the only couch in there and stretch out on it for a nap. What a guy. I go looking go looking for him and i peek my head in there to see if that's where he is. I see a room full of people holding their nose's i guess my bro while he slept managed to make the hospital an even more unpleasant place for everyone. I laugh and wake him up and drag him outside for a smoke. Nothing seems to be happening with my wife so i had the time. I go back into the hospital before my brother. When he comes back in he held the door for someone just to be polite. Big mistake, little did he know it was some shit disturbing crack head, and he was the one that let her in. After fighting with security to let him stay and boot only her out it was starting to get late. Its about 23 hours since i had arrived to the hospital and i hadn't had any sleep now for almost 2 days. Regardless of whether i had a place to nap, i wasn't going to miss anything for the world.
As the day ends it appears he isn't going to be born on my birthday. Her epidural slowed labor down and he wasn't coming out easy. The Dr's after lots of consideration decide that its not going to be a natural childbirth. They call for an operating room to be readied and take my wife away to pre op. I swore up and down i was not going to leave her side and i would be there with her. I told her that i told the Dr's that. The Dr's told me i couldn't go into pre op with her but i could be with her when they do the procedure. I wasn't very happy about it but at that point i couldn't say much she was already gone. I wandered over to where they said to go and i was led into a waiting room and i put on the gown and gloves etc, so i could go into the operating room. I kept asking the Dr i was with ,"when can i go see her?" He kept stalling me. i knew she was across the hall but i wasn't allowed into the room yet i had to wait for who knows what. After about ten minutes i got really pissy. I had finally had enough of this DR stalling me. I stood up and walked across the hall with im in hot pursuit calling me back. Fuck him i wasn't going to miss this for anything if i had to knock him out to get in there i was willing to. I bust open the doors only to hear, "whats he doing in here, he isn't allowed in here." I shot a look at the guy eyeing me up that said uh no I'm not going anywhere. I ran over to my wife who was at this point laying on her back with a curtain up so she couldn't see her belly. I wasn't going to cause any trouble unless they tried to remove me so they gave me a stool and let me stay. This is where things get a bit hazy. I'm sitting there talking to her and trying my best to keep her and me calm when i hear a screaming baby. My heart leaps into my throat as the reality of "I'm going to be a parent soon" really starts to register in my head. I ask the Dr is it a boy or a girl because i am sitting down and cant quite see anything that's going on. He tells me to have a look. Now i am going to remember this moment in my life forever. In fact if i have only a brief second to think before i die this is what i will be thinking. I stand up to see my baby, not knowing is it a boy or a girl, and OMG there is her huge belly ( i cant see the incision) but theres this huge belly with just this little head poking out screaming. I fall back into my chair dazed. She screams seeing my reaction, "WHATS WRONG OMG WHAT WHAT." Ignoring her i stand up again only to see the nurse or Dr or whoever reach in and pull my screaming baby out. Wow i need a moment...... OK well i have heard most people start counting fingers and toes, check to see the sex etc... All i saw was this red/purple screaming baby in all its glory. I didn't notice anything but baby, The DR has to tell me its a boy and that everything seems to be OK. I look at her and we both have one of those moments that will last a lifetime.
They ask me at this point do you want to stay with your wife or go with your son. I shoot her a look of(well i have seen you many times but hey this is new...) Sorry babe your on your own. Kiss her on the forehead and follow my baby down the hall to the maternity ward. On our way out of the O.R. the doors open up and i can see about 8 people standing there waiting to hear the news, my mom her mom , my brother and a few others. We are about 20' down the hall from them and they are yelling at me ," what is it? boy, girl what what what!!!!" for shits and giggles i only smile and walk slowly towards them not saying a word. (I'm such a dick hehehe) I finally tell them its a boy and his name is Jerry. Everyone beams and is all excited we head to the maternity ward. 9.5 pounds 23" long he is the biggest kid born that day. My family and friends all exhausted from the day at the hospital leave to get some rest.Now i have been up for almost 2 days its about 3AM and all is quiet in the ward. My wife is off getting her post op stuff ( i really have no idea what happened i wasn't there) the nurse tells me i can hold him for awhile if i want. I sat on a stool in the corner quietly staring at my beautiful son for almost 5 hours. Cradling him in my arms all swaddled up in a blanket my neck bent over not blinking forever. I eventually let the nurse take him away so i could get some sleep. I went back to our room to find my wife had fallen asleep and was doing good. All in all it was by far the best day of my life, nothing will ever top that one.
Back to my original point of all this, i thought i had a pretty good idea what it was going to mean for me to be a parent. Knew it was going to change me in huge ways. But no one could have ever told me the instant i laid eyes on my son that i would suddenly know exactly why i was here. Peace!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Sharing a trip through my thoughts
1 am Saturday night, sinking feeling in my gut again. Yesterday i was riding as high as ever, and today i seemed to have slowly sunk back into the mire. Start taking to my usual companions, my endless thoughts running in circles. I start counting my blessings to avoid the darker thoughts. I'm healthy,my son is happy and growing up to be a beautiful person inside and out. I make way more money than my bills add up to in a month. I answer to no one and my job is better than anything i could ever ask for. Any one of those things should be more than enough to get a smile on my face.
I hate to think of myself as a whiner. I don't like to hear complaining from people not willing to do what it takes to fix their problems. That drives me nuts, they don't deserve any attention if they aren't willing to give themselves a chance. Who wants to hear someone bitch if they don't listen? Its lame. So i write, paint, play guitar,and read. Doing whatever it takes to distract myself from the things i fear most in life. knowing that hiding from your fears is the worst thing you can do. It makes them grow. After awhile something that might have sorta bothered you becomes paralyzing. Like clinging to a rock that only gets heavier as you get swept out into deeper water.
I come back to my favorite solution.....I think. What do i fear? failure? embarrassment? pain? what? First of all if i never do anything i have already failed. I am used to failure by now. Embarrassment is an easy one. I am here exposing myself without hesitation. There is no reason for me to fear pain either, considering i am already in pain (mentally) by being in this situation. I don't want to be alone, and at the same time i don't want to be stuck in some kind of relationship. Am i insufferable? Is there no answer for me? I am a very social person trapped inside an antisocial shell that i have created. A major problem for me is my inability to feel any real happy emotion. When i do it doesn't seem to last. I can hold onto feeling shitty forever. Is feeling shitty the result of a lack of trying? Like a base emotion that takes no effort? How do i get the energy to try when its paralyzing to take a step forward?
Everyone is a result of their experiences in my opinion. Mine haven't been all that great. A failed marriage that i poured every bit of my soul into only to have it blow up on me in in almost the worst imaginable way. I refuse to blame my ex wife for my mental issues though, that's weak. Regardless of the details in that we both made mistakes and we both contributed its failure. My childhood was far from perfect but i always knew i was loved and cared for. I was never abused. All in all i think generally my life has been rather normal compared to most people. In fact it wouldn't be a huge stretch to say i have done pretty good for myself. Yet here i am 2 am Saturday morning alone, feeling my gut drop through the floor. Am i an attention whore? I seem to need constant reassurance from people around me that everything will be OK. Like a dog that is either chasing its tail incessantly or begging to have someone pay attention to it.
Well after pouring all this out i feel better. In a way i have answered a lot of the questions i needed answered. I feel better for getting it out there. I don't quite understand my need to post these sorts of intimate feelings i dwell on, but i do. "Thinking" isn't my friend if there is no action. I must take action and go out, fail or succeed. Whatever the case may be. Doing something will distract me from the circle of thought running through my head. Funny the answer was staring me in the face this whole time and i conveniently avoid it.
I hate to think of myself as a whiner. I don't like to hear complaining from people not willing to do what it takes to fix their problems. That drives me nuts, they don't deserve any attention if they aren't willing to give themselves a chance. Who wants to hear someone bitch if they don't listen? Its lame. So i write, paint, play guitar,and read. Doing whatever it takes to distract myself from the things i fear most in life. knowing that hiding from your fears is the worst thing you can do. It makes them grow. After awhile something that might have sorta bothered you becomes paralyzing. Like clinging to a rock that only gets heavier as you get swept out into deeper water.
I come back to my favorite solution.....I think. What do i fear? failure? embarrassment? pain? what? First of all if i never do anything i have already failed. I am used to failure by now. Embarrassment is an easy one. I am here exposing myself without hesitation. There is no reason for me to fear pain either, considering i am already in pain (mentally) by being in this situation. I don't want to be alone, and at the same time i don't want to be stuck in some kind of relationship. Am i insufferable? Is there no answer for me? I am a very social person trapped inside an antisocial shell that i have created. A major problem for me is my inability to feel any real happy emotion. When i do it doesn't seem to last. I can hold onto feeling shitty forever. Is feeling shitty the result of a lack of trying? Like a base emotion that takes no effort? How do i get the energy to try when its paralyzing to take a step forward?
Everyone is a result of their experiences in my opinion. Mine haven't been all that great. A failed marriage that i poured every bit of my soul into only to have it blow up on me in in almost the worst imaginable way. I refuse to blame my ex wife for my mental issues though, that's weak. Regardless of the details in that we both made mistakes and we both contributed its failure. My childhood was far from perfect but i always knew i was loved and cared for. I was never abused. All in all i think generally my life has been rather normal compared to most people. In fact it wouldn't be a huge stretch to say i have done pretty good for myself. Yet here i am 2 am Saturday morning alone, feeling my gut drop through the floor. Am i an attention whore? I seem to need constant reassurance from people around me that everything will be OK. Like a dog that is either chasing its tail incessantly or begging to have someone pay attention to it.
Well after pouring all this out i feel better. In a way i have answered a lot of the questions i needed answered. I feel better for getting it out there. I don't quite understand my need to post these sorts of intimate feelings i dwell on, but i do. "Thinking" isn't my friend if there is no action. I must take action and go out, fail or succeed. Whatever the case may be. Doing something will distract me from the circle of thought running through my head. Funny the answer was staring me in the face this whole time and i conveniently avoid it.
Friday, October 26, 2007
My favorite song
Lateralus
Black then white are all i see in my infancy
Black then white are all i see in my infancy
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me
lets me see
as below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn beyond the lines of reason
Push the envelope
Watch it bend
Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
Black then white are all i see in my infancy
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me
lets me see there is so much more and
beckons me to look thru to these infinite possibilities
as below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn outside the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.
over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind
Withering my intuition leaving opportunities behind
Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace the random
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come
I embrace my desire to
I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired to fathom the power, to witness the beauty
to bathe in the fountain
to swing on the spiral
to swing on the spiral
to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human
With my feet upon the ground I move myself between the sounds and open wide to suck it in.
I feel it move across my skin
I'm reaching up and reaching out. I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me
what ever will bewilder me
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.
Spiral out. Keep going
Spiral out. Keep going
Spiral out. Keep going
Spiral out. Keep going
Spiral out. Keep going
lyrics/vocals :Maynard James Keenan
drums: Danny Carey
Bass: Justin Chancellor
Guitar: Adam Jones
Band: Tool
I just couldn't post a blog about myself without including one of the biggest influences in my life. Music is very important to me almost like my Gospel. This is by far my favorite song ever written. I accept that is fully just an opinion but its touched me deeply. Hope you get a chance to atleast hear the song im sure its on youtube or something but ya for me its greatness. Thanks for reading, Peace.......
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Always read the label!!!
After my last rant i figured I would write about an experience that was both really funny and really unfunny all at the same time. Its good to be able to laugh at yourself, i know i do all the time.....
So there i was driving to work listening to the radio one morning a few years ago. Minding my own business. The radio usually bugs me cause i never get to hear any music that i enjoy and the advertising is always irritating. I guess i have no good answer to the question, "Then why listen to the radio at all?" At any rate i no longer listen to the radio and well this little story has lots to do with that i suppose. Where was I? oh right driving on my way to work, half asleep so i must have been suggestible. One of the dj's was talking about how he had shaved his pubic region clean. He was saying how his gf loved it and was getting himself more happy naked time with her etc. They were accepting calls from the public on this issue too. Tons of women were phoning in and going on about how that was the best, and that they really enjoyed it. As i arrived at work i never really gave it any more thought.
So later that day after working in the dirt i went home and took that refreshing after work shower. Usually while I'm in the shower i reflect on the day i had and think about things i saw and heard. Suddenly i am reminded about the conversation i heard on the radio. Now i am not a very hairy person and at this point in my life i didn't have to shave much if ever. So I'm looking down at my boys thinking hrmmm would she really like it if i shaved them bald? Not owning my own razor at the time and knowing better than to use hers, i grabbed a new ladies razor out of her pack from under the sink after my shower. Remember i am a total newb at shaving so i don't consider all the finer points to doing it properly. I take this new razor and with no soap or shaving cream at all i begin to clean up my "area" I like to do most things quickly so i waste no time in getting the task at hand completed.I'm standing there in the washroom alone looking at the fine job i have done when i start to feel this burning sensation. (how was i supposed to know dry shaving with a new razor is a really bad idea) This burning sensation is growing and i am thinking fast, how can i stop this from getting worse. Well as most married men know their bathrooms are full of creams and containers full of all sorts of stuff. I start looking for the nearest container that looks like it might help take the edge off. I grab one and crack it open as fast as i can cause at this point I'm holding back tears. Well let me tell you what happens next will forever be burned into my mind..... I open this container and start lathering myself up as fast as i can thinking that i have found my cure. Boy was i wrong, the burning is magnified ten times. At this point there is that whole matrix slow motion thing going on as i turn the container around so i can read what it is......."Biore' deep heating pore cleanser" My eyes bulge out of my head like a cartoon character that's just realised he is about to explode!!!! My shrieks can be heard from the neighbors house i am sure and i leap as fast as i can into the shower to try and rinse my poor burning crotch off. At this moment there is a knocking at the bathroom door, "Whats going on in there are you OK?!?" I'm standing in the tub as close as i can get to the tub spout and splashing myself as fast as i can, to no avail. Its nearly impossible to wash off pore cleanser once its on. All the water in the world isn't going to help. The razor burn was bad then the burning pore cleanser was worse now to top the whole experience off nicely i have a witness. The rest i think i have blocked out as i was spent. After that whole ordeal i learned a few valuable lessons, I don't listen to the radio anymore, i take care when i shave. Id like to say i always read labels but id be lying, but if i am ever to put cream near my boys again i don't think i could do it without reading the msds data sheets on it. Funny thing is deep inside while all that chaos was going on i still knew it was fucking hilarious. I must be a masochist.
So there i was driving to work listening to the radio one morning a few years ago. Minding my own business. The radio usually bugs me cause i never get to hear any music that i enjoy and the advertising is always irritating. I guess i have no good answer to the question, "Then why listen to the radio at all?" At any rate i no longer listen to the radio and well this little story has lots to do with that i suppose. Where was I? oh right driving on my way to work, half asleep so i must have been suggestible. One of the dj's was talking about how he had shaved his pubic region clean. He was saying how his gf loved it and was getting himself more happy naked time with her etc. They were accepting calls from the public on this issue too. Tons of women were phoning in and going on about how that was the best, and that they really enjoyed it. As i arrived at work i never really gave it any more thought.
So later that day after working in the dirt i went home and took that refreshing after work shower. Usually while I'm in the shower i reflect on the day i had and think about things i saw and heard. Suddenly i am reminded about the conversation i heard on the radio. Now i am not a very hairy person and at this point in my life i didn't have to shave much if ever. So I'm looking down at my boys thinking hrmmm would she really like it if i shaved them bald? Not owning my own razor at the time and knowing better than to use hers, i grabbed a new ladies razor out of her pack from under the sink after my shower. Remember i am a total newb at shaving so i don't consider all the finer points to doing it properly. I take this new razor and with no soap or shaving cream at all i begin to clean up my "area" I like to do most things quickly so i waste no time in getting the task at hand completed.I'm standing there in the washroom alone looking at the fine job i have done when i start to feel this burning sensation. (how was i supposed to know dry shaving with a new razor is a really bad idea) This burning sensation is growing and i am thinking fast, how can i stop this from getting worse. Well as most married men know their bathrooms are full of creams and containers full of all sorts of stuff. I start looking for the nearest container that looks like it might help take the edge off. I grab one and crack it open as fast as i can cause at this point I'm holding back tears. Well let me tell you what happens next will forever be burned into my mind..... I open this container and start lathering myself up as fast as i can thinking that i have found my cure. Boy was i wrong, the burning is magnified ten times. At this point there is that whole matrix slow motion thing going on as i turn the container around so i can read what it is......."Biore' deep heating pore cleanser" My eyes bulge out of my head like a cartoon character that's just realised he is about to explode!!!! My shrieks can be heard from the neighbors house i am sure and i leap as fast as i can into the shower to try and rinse my poor burning crotch off. At this moment there is a knocking at the bathroom door, "Whats going on in there are you OK?!?" I'm standing in the tub as close as i can get to the tub spout and splashing myself as fast as i can, to no avail. Its nearly impossible to wash off pore cleanser once its on. All the water in the world isn't going to help. The razor burn was bad then the burning pore cleanser was worse now to top the whole experience off nicely i have a witness. The rest i think i have blocked out as i was spent. After that whole ordeal i learned a few valuable lessons, I don't listen to the radio anymore, i take care when i shave. Id like to say i always read labels but id be lying, but if i am ever to put cream near my boys again i don't think i could do it without reading the msds data sheets on it. Funny thing is deep inside while all that chaos was going on i still knew it was fucking hilarious. I must be a masochist.
Is it just me or does this make sense
OK i am more than a bit confused about something. My entire life i have always wondered when was it that we officially removed ourselves from nature. Whats the deal with that? Why would we have ever done such a thing, makes no sense to me. Could someone please help me understand how this could have happened. If i go hiking through a forest and decide to cut down a tree or hell light it on fire for kicks. How is that not a natural occurrence? I am a part of nature just as much as anything on the planet. Nuclear bombs are all natural, if you consider everything we get to make them came from nature at one point. Even if we modify something by any means at all its still natural. Do twigs somehow become unnatural when they are made into a birds nest? Are cities natural? Just as natural as an ant hill. If a volcano erupts wreaking havoc and destruction on the area around it. Its considered an act of nature. If bombs explode though that's not an act of nature? If a beaver dams up a river that's an act of nature. Yet if we decide to dam a river that's somehow different. It aggravates me to hear people saying that things are unnatural or artificial. Or to pay more for something that's all natural, I just cant see how that's even possible. Man made or found in the earth its all the same. Somethings may not be good for the planet or for our survival but they are still 100% natural. I see our cities and all the things we have created are natural as anything else in the universe.
The plus side is that if we view things from this different perspective that everything is part of everything else. Then there is reason to care more about what happens to the planet and its inhabitants. Its harder to feel like we are somehow above or better than nature. Maybe more people will think twice if they realise its a part of us. We tend to take better care of things that we are closely related to. I would love to hear a convincing argument as to why we even consider the opposite to these statements, or how i am wrong. Send me your wisdom.... Peace
The plus side is that if we view things from this different perspective that everything is part of everything else. Then there is reason to care more about what happens to the planet and its inhabitants. Its harder to feel like we are somehow above or better than nature. Maybe more people will think twice if they realise its a part of us. We tend to take better care of things that we are closely related to. I would love to hear a convincing argument as to why we even consider the opposite to these statements, or how i am wrong. Send me your wisdom.... Peace
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Riding a spiral.....
It's late, like most nights I stay awake till the wee hours of the morning pondering everything. I have been told i think to much, but i cant stop myself. I look up into the night sky and it bewilders me. Makes my head swim to think of how big it is and how small I am. According to a documentary i saw if our sun was the size of a grain of sand the closest star to ours would be a staggering 35 miles away. To try and wrap my head around just how much space there is out there hurts. So the universe is rather large, and i am rather small and insignificant. I still feel this urge to leave some kind of lasting mark on this place. Id love to build a pyramid, solve the worlds hunger problems, do something to improve this world for everyone. Not for the fame not so people can sit back and say wow what a great guy that dood was. Just for the personal satisfaction of knowing i made a difference. I know in my own small way i will change peoples lives around me and that's great. I do try to be a good person simply because it makes me feel good to do that. But i want more somehow, i yearn to make that huge difference on a planetary scale. It makes me sad to know that's most likely not going to happen. Hell i cant even get my ass outside of my house most days. I review the things i can do, i can be a good father to my son. He is the most important thing i can spend my time on. I can be a good friend to those i care about. Why do i stop there? Why don't I take that kind of care of myself. I don't think that highly of myself. I do feel like a failure most of the time. I have the hardest time accepting compliments. People tell me i am good at some things and i cant accept that. Why do i seem to care more about the world around me when i cant do the same for myself? A close friend of mine asked me what i like about myself or what do i think i am good at. I couldn't think of anything i drew a blank. But to ask the question what do I hate about myself or what could i improve about me. I could make a list that almost never ended. I don't understand myself i feel so hypocritical at times. Id like to be solid and know what i want, know what i need. I see people that follow their dreams that have a course that they know is what they want. I am so jealous of those people. To have such direction must feel great. Even if they failed at least they had something to focus on, a purpose. I know i can decide where my life will lead. I also know it doesn't have to be one thing and i can change it at anytime. I still feel like i am floundering around and that one day i will be looking back thinking wow i wasted so much time on nothing. I wake up and live the same day over and over again. I want my life to mean something. I just wish i knew what.
If you have made it this far you are probably thinking i DO think to much. It feels good to expose myself here for some reason. Thank you for taking the time to read this, id love to read any comments good or bad. Peace
If you have made it this far you are probably thinking i DO think to much. It feels good to expose myself here for some reason. Thank you for taking the time to read this, id love to read any comments good or bad. Peace
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Why crickets are the spawn of satan
This happened to me a while ago but i figure its worth writing about cause it made so many people laugh...cept me
There I lay peacefully sleeping, relaxed and calm. My son wakes up WAY to early for me on the weekends so i let him play games on my computer while i get a little extra nappin time in. Suddenly he wakes me up with," DAD DAD come quick the crickets are escaping everywhere!" Two things, i have a lizard that i feed crickets to so i do happen to have a small aquarium with 50 or so crickets in there at any given time, second my little man is only 7 so he tends to exaggerate the truth at times. So i am yanked from my calm state by this troubling statement. I run out to where i keep my crickets only to find the lid has been knocked off and there are literally 50 large crickets running for their lives, " FREEDOM YAY!!!!!!" so i try to grab them as they scramble under everything in sight i don't even know where to start. Needless to say i might have grabbed 5 of them before they were all hiding. At the time i lived in my uncles basement suite with lots of family. There was about 9 of us living in that house so this isn't just my problem. Now I'm sitting there half asleep, 7 year old jumping up and down all excited asking , " what do we do Dad?!?" at that point i had no answer. I tried my best to recover more of them after i actually woke up but to no avail. The odd one would wander out from its hiding place and id grab it and feed it to my lizard as fast as i could cause well it deserved to pay the price for revolting. The first day was spent not really worrying about it. That night as i try to go to sleep well..... These Little bastards from hell start chirping like crazy. They are everywhere, in my laundry, in my bed, on book shelves, under the dresser etc. All i can hear is these crickets taunting me all night long. I try to shrug it off and go to sleep but its hard. For the next 4 or 5 days my roomies keep bringing me the odd cricket escapee. I feed them all to the lizard king as i get them cause they deserve instant death upon capture. Each morning i wake to the sound of chirping, some might think its nice maybe a bit like camping but when you wake up to these little bastards walking across your chest its far from a happy place. Finally after about a week i cant take it anymore there is still a pack of them hiding out in my room and i just cant seem to get all of them. At about 5am which is way to early for any sane person to be awake i have finally had enough. After spending another sleepless night hating crickets i snap, jump from my bed smashing everything that makes a sound. Jumping on my laundry pile.......chirp Slamming things under my dresser pushing my desk flat against the wall etc freaking out with maniacal laughter. The cricket Holocaust has begun! After about 20 minutes of hunting and smashing all that dares to chirp at me I feel like i have beaten this plague. I sit on the edge of my bed, its quiet. So i lay down to catch the last hour or two of sleep before work and there it is CHIRP!. There is a freaking cricket just outside my bedroom door. I quietly get up and go to see where this little bastard is. Carefully opening my door i look around only to notice its coming from under the dryer. Ugh there is very little room to get under the dryer and get to it so i turn the dryer on in hopes the it will either fry of at least come out to meet its maker (me) no dice. For the next day or two this bug chirps away happily and i cant get to it. It eventually stopped so finally after a bit more than a week of hell all was quiet once again. I stopped buying large crickets as they tend to chirp more than medium or small and the lid is securely held in place. I even ate one in front of the others as a warning but I'm not sure they got the hint. Anyways that's my reason for hating crickets and i think its a valid one. If they wanna find a mate cant they do it quietly? ...........Chirp
There I lay peacefully sleeping, relaxed and calm. My son wakes up WAY to early for me on the weekends so i let him play games on my computer while i get a little extra nappin time in. Suddenly he wakes me up with," DAD DAD come quick the crickets are escaping everywhere!" Two things, i have a lizard that i feed crickets to so i do happen to have a small aquarium with 50 or so crickets in there at any given time, second my little man is only 7 so he tends to exaggerate the truth at times. So i am yanked from my calm state by this troubling statement. I run out to where i keep my crickets only to find the lid has been knocked off and there are literally 50 large crickets running for their lives, " FREEDOM YAY!!!!!!" so i try to grab them as they scramble under everything in sight i don't even know where to start. Needless to say i might have grabbed 5 of them before they were all hiding. At the time i lived in my uncles basement suite with lots of family. There was about 9 of us living in that house so this isn't just my problem. Now I'm sitting there half asleep, 7 year old jumping up and down all excited asking , " what do we do Dad?!?" at that point i had no answer. I tried my best to recover more of them after i actually woke up but to no avail. The odd one would wander out from its hiding place and id grab it and feed it to my lizard as fast as i could cause well it deserved to pay the price for revolting. The first day was spent not really worrying about it. That night as i try to go to sleep well..... These Little bastards from hell start chirping like crazy. They are everywhere, in my laundry, in my bed, on book shelves, under the dresser etc. All i can hear is these crickets taunting me all night long. I try to shrug it off and go to sleep but its hard. For the next 4 or 5 days my roomies keep bringing me the odd cricket escapee. I feed them all to the lizard king as i get them cause they deserve instant death upon capture. Each morning i wake to the sound of chirping, some might think its nice maybe a bit like camping but when you wake up to these little bastards walking across your chest its far from a happy place. Finally after about a week i cant take it anymore there is still a pack of them hiding out in my room and i just cant seem to get all of them. At about 5am which is way to early for any sane person to be awake i have finally had enough. After spending another sleepless night hating crickets i snap, jump from my bed smashing everything that makes a sound. Jumping on my laundry pile.......chirp Slamming things under my dresser pushing my desk flat against the wall etc freaking out with maniacal laughter. The cricket Holocaust has begun! After about 20 minutes of hunting and smashing all that dares to chirp at me I feel like i have beaten this plague. I sit on the edge of my bed, its quiet. So i lay down to catch the last hour or two of sleep before work and there it is CHIRP!. There is a freaking cricket just outside my bedroom door. I quietly get up and go to see where this little bastard is. Carefully opening my door i look around only to notice its coming from under the dryer. Ugh there is very little room to get under the dryer and get to it so i turn the dryer on in hopes the it will either fry of at least come out to meet its maker (me) no dice. For the next day or two this bug chirps away happily and i cant get to it. It eventually stopped so finally after a bit more than a week of hell all was quiet once again. I stopped buying large crickets as they tend to chirp more than medium or small and the lid is securely held in place. I even ate one in front of the others as a warning but I'm not sure they got the hint. Anyways that's my reason for hating crickets and i think its a valid one. If they wanna find a mate cant they do it quietly? ...........Chirp
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Day of clarity
Today i woke up at the same time i usually do and went to the same job i always go to with the same mood i am usually in. It all started off fairly normal. Woke up at 9:04 work starts at 9:00. Wandered around my place grabbing clothes, vitamins etc. The usual rush to get my ass out the door. Calling into the office to get my first appointment and off i went. I spend most days thinking incessantly as i drive towards whatever task i am asked to complete for my boss. Normally i over analyse things to death all day long, clinging to whatever negative thoughts i have been gripping about this ugly world i face daily. There's so much to grimace at in the world it isn't hard to find something or other that will help me hold that contempt. Grey skies, heavy rain lingering cold, lots on my plate to choose from. Its funny how in some weird way feeling crappy makes me content. Watching the latest in conspiracy videos on youtube and other obnoxious forums on the net has fill my brain with other tantalising thoughts to suffer though as well.
Armed with plenty of negative ammo i speed off into the city looking for broken heating/plumbing dilemma's that need my attention. After my first call i phone in to the office and get my second job. Boss says, " call this guy and get his address" Gives me a number and leaves it at that. Seems simple enough, so i call him. After awhile on the phone with this guy i finally say, " Yea i just need to know where you are and i can tell you how long till i get there" I'm thinking this is an easy enough question. The guy responds with, "I am at home". I'm stopped in my tracks, huh? " I just need to know where you are at so i can go there and fix your fireplace whats your address" The guy thinks a minute, "I'm at home" he says again. Now i cant help but feel a chuckle coming from within. How dare this asshole wreck my perfectly gloomy day. I asked him a third time but he was still no help so i gave up and told my boss to call him i was going to go grab a coffee. I eventually went to his house fixed his shit and overcharged him for being stupid.
The rest of the day was fairly uneventful, more rain, more dwelling on the fact that 9/11 was obviously a set up, our whole economic and governmental systems are totally corrupt and against the average person blah blah blah... Wishing i could change the world to better it in some major way like i was superman. Feeling shitty cause that idea is well, insane. Getting back to that shitty feeling i hold so dear. I always find a way back. Today is my appointment to see a mentor (shrink) of mine. Its been about 5 months since i have seen him. I'm not crazy or anything just feels good to talk to someone that has devoted his life to understanding humans. I get to his office and i figure i have him by the nuts with all the crap floating around in my head. I was actually hoping he would validate the negative things i have been dwelling on. Like always of course he doesn't. He tells me about his grandfather. How this guy fought in ww2 and lived through some of the ugliest scenes mankind ever produced and was still an optimistic man. That he saw friends, family and innocent people die and suffer. The guy still felt like the world wasn't such a bad place. That the world really is doing better than ever before. But i said look around we are on the verge of world war 3 and people are dying everyday for something that is completely cooked up (9/11) and he has the nerve to take that away from me. By saying that really if i looked closely at the world i am living in there is plenty of good things happening. There are plenty of freedoms i have at my whim. Yet i choose to view only the bad. I choose to think of the world around me as collapsing in. He asks me," You want to change the world and make it better for everyone around you?" "of course i do," i replied. "Then you don't even have to do anything, just realise the good that's already there and it will happen." Whoa this guy is like god or something, not only can i change my world completely but really i don't even have to do anything. Not doing things is what i am good at.
So for now i am sitting at home, just had a good nap, ate some junk food. Pondered what i have been told. I haven't really done anything. The world seems like a better place already. The knot in my gut is gone and the rain even stopped for a while....... Where do i go from here its a whole new place at the moment.
Armed with plenty of negative ammo i speed off into the city looking for broken heating/plumbing dilemma's that need my attention. After my first call i phone in to the office and get my second job. Boss says, " call this guy and get his address" Gives me a number and leaves it at that. Seems simple enough, so i call him. After awhile on the phone with this guy i finally say, " Yea i just need to know where you are and i can tell you how long till i get there" I'm thinking this is an easy enough question. The guy responds with, "I am at home". I'm stopped in my tracks, huh? " I just need to know where you are at so i can go there and fix your fireplace whats your address" The guy thinks a minute, "I'm at home" he says again. Now i cant help but feel a chuckle coming from within. How dare this asshole wreck my perfectly gloomy day. I asked him a third time but he was still no help so i gave up and told my boss to call him i was going to go grab a coffee. I eventually went to his house fixed his shit and overcharged him for being stupid.
The rest of the day was fairly uneventful, more rain, more dwelling on the fact that 9/11 was obviously a set up, our whole economic and governmental systems are totally corrupt and against the average person blah blah blah... Wishing i could change the world to better it in some major way like i was superman. Feeling shitty cause that idea is well, insane. Getting back to that shitty feeling i hold so dear. I always find a way back. Today is my appointment to see a mentor (shrink) of mine. Its been about 5 months since i have seen him. I'm not crazy or anything just feels good to talk to someone that has devoted his life to understanding humans. I get to his office and i figure i have him by the nuts with all the crap floating around in my head. I was actually hoping he would validate the negative things i have been dwelling on. Like always of course he doesn't. He tells me about his grandfather. How this guy fought in ww2 and lived through some of the ugliest scenes mankind ever produced and was still an optimistic man. That he saw friends, family and innocent people die and suffer. The guy still felt like the world wasn't such a bad place. That the world really is doing better than ever before. But i said look around we are on the verge of world war 3 and people are dying everyday for something that is completely cooked up (9/11) and he has the nerve to take that away from me. By saying that really if i looked closely at the world i am living in there is plenty of good things happening. There are plenty of freedoms i have at my whim. Yet i choose to view only the bad. I choose to think of the world around me as collapsing in. He asks me," You want to change the world and make it better for everyone around you?" "of course i do," i replied. "Then you don't even have to do anything, just realise the good that's already there and it will happen." Whoa this guy is like god or something, not only can i change my world completely but really i don't even have to do anything. Not doing things is what i am good at.
So for now i am sitting at home, just had a good nap, ate some junk food. Pondered what i have been told. I haven't really done anything. The world seems like a better place already. The knot in my gut is gone and the rain even stopped for a while....... Where do i go from here its a whole new place at the moment.
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