Sharing a trip through my thoughts

1 am Saturday night, sinking feeling in my gut again. Yesterday i was riding as high as ever, and today i seemed to have slowly sunk back into the mire. Start taking to my usual companions, my endless thoughts running in circles. I start counting my blessings to avoid the darker thoughts. I'm healthy,my son is happy and growing up to be a beautiful person inside and out. I make way more money than my bills add up to in a month. I answer to no one and my job is better than anything i could ever ask for. Any one of those things should be more than enough to get a smile on my face.

I hate to think of myself as a whiner. I don't like to hear complaining from people not willing to do what it takes to fix their problems. That drives me nuts, they don't deserve any attention if they aren't willing to give themselves a chance. Who wants to hear someone bitch if they don't listen? Its lame. So i write, paint, play guitar,and read. Doing whatever it takes to distract myself from the things i fear most in life. knowing that hiding from your fears is the worst thing you can do. It makes them grow. After awhile something that might have sorta bothered you becomes paralyzing. Like clinging to a rock that only gets heavier as you get swept out into deeper water.

I come back to my favorite solution.....I think. What do i fear? failure? embarrassment? pain? what? First of all if i never do anything i have already failed. I am used to failure by now. Embarrassment is an easy one. I am here exposing myself without hesitation. There is no reason for me to fear pain either, considering i am already in pain (mentally) by being in this situation. I don't want to be alone, and at the same time i don't want to be stuck in some kind of relationship. Am i insufferable? Is there no answer for me? I am a very social person trapped inside an antisocial shell that i have created. A major problem for me is my inability to feel any real happy emotion. When i do it doesn't seem to last. I can hold onto feeling shitty forever. Is feeling shitty the result of a lack of trying? Like a base emotion that takes no effort? How do i get the energy to try when its paralyzing to take a step forward?

Everyone is a result of their experiences in my opinion. Mine haven't been all that great. A failed marriage that i poured every bit of my soul into only to have it blow up on me in in almost the worst imaginable way. I refuse to blame my ex wife for my mental issues though, that's weak. Regardless of the details in that we both made mistakes and we both contributed its failure. My childhood was far from perfect but i always knew i was loved and cared for. I was never abused. All in all i think generally my life has been rather normal compared to most people. In fact it wouldn't be a huge stretch to say i have done pretty good for myself. Yet here i am 2 am Saturday morning alone, feeling my gut drop through the floor. Am i an attention whore? I seem to need constant reassurance from people around me that everything will be OK. Like a dog that is either chasing its tail incessantly or begging to have someone pay attention to it.

Well after pouring all this out i feel better. In a way i have answered a lot of the questions i needed answered. I feel better for getting it out there. I don't quite understand my need to post these sorts of intimate feelings i dwell on, but i do. "Thinking" isn't my friend if there is no action. I must take action and go out, fail or succeed. Whatever the case may be. Doing something will distract me from the circle of thought running through my head. Funny the answer was staring me in the face this whole time and i conveniently avoid it.