It's late, like most nights I stay awake till the wee hours of the morning pondering everything. I have been told i think to much, but i cant stop myself. I look up into the night sky and it bewilders me. Makes my head swim to think of how big it is and how small I am. According to a documentary i saw if our sun was the size of a grain of sand the closest star to ours would be a staggering 35 miles away. To try and wrap my head around just how much space there is out there hurts. So the universe is rather large, and i am rather small and insignificant. I still feel this urge to leave some kind of lasting mark on this place. Id love to build a pyramid, solve the worlds hunger problems, do something to improve this world for everyone. Not for the fame not so people can sit back and say wow what a great guy that dood was. Just for the personal satisfaction of knowing i made a difference. I know in my own small way i will change peoples lives around me and that's great. I do try to be a good person simply because it makes me feel good to do that. But i want more somehow, i yearn to make that huge difference on a planetary scale. It makes me sad to know that's most likely not going to happen. Hell i cant even get my ass outside of my house most days. I review the things i can do, i can be a good father to my son. He is the most important thing i can spend my time on. I can be a good friend to those i care about. Why do i stop there? Why don't I take that kind of care of myself. I don't think that highly of myself. I do feel like a failure most of the time. I have the hardest time accepting compliments. People tell me i am good at some things and i cant accept that. Why do i seem to care more about the world around me when i cant do the same for myself? A close friend of mine asked me what i like about myself or what do i think i am good at. I couldn't think of anything i drew a blank. But to ask the question what do I hate about myself or what could i improve about me. I could make a list that almost never ended. I don't understand myself i feel so hypocritical at times. Id like to be solid and know what i want, know what i need. I see people that follow their dreams that have a course that they know is what they want. I am so jealous of those people. To have such direction must feel great. Even if they failed at least they had something to focus on, a purpose. I know i can decide where my life will lead. I also know it doesn't have to be one thing and i can change it at anytime. I still feel like i am floundering around and that one day i will be looking back thinking wow i wasted so much time on nothing. I wake up and live the same day over and over again. I want my life to mean something. I just wish i knew what.
If you have made it this far you are probably thinking i DO think to much. It feels good to expose myself here for some reason. Thank you for taking the time to read this, id love to read any comments good or bad. Peace
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3 comments:
imagine a world without introspection, where everyone lived life without thought of how they effect the world or how the world effects them. you don't think too much. most people just don't think enough.
The universe is tremendous. I'm glad that in all that desolate
mass, we can find someone like you. I too wish I could wrap my
arms around the world, and show it something empowering that i have
tucked away inside myself.
At least your pondering things that are inspirational and meaningful.
If you took the list of things from everyone elses point of view about you that they loved, find inspiring, and wouldn't change for the world, and learned how to embrace those qualities, your list would no longer exist. :)
- emily
I believe it's good that you think the way you do. You are considerate, kind and understanding.... beyond that I have to say I do think you've got it backwards a bit. You don't find a sense of direction by setting some lofty goal , making a list, checking it off and going from point A to point B. You suck it up... get your ass out the door and say " Ok today might suck but I am going to try... " The only word that matters in this situation is "try". You don't have to know where you are going 100% to have forward motion. Not to mention..... I have unshakable faith in you.
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