Day of clarity

Today i woke up at the same time i usually do and went to the same job i always go to with the same mood i am usually in. It all started off fairly normal. Woke up at 9:04 work starts at 9:00. Wandered around my place grabbing clothes, vitamins etc. The usual rush to get my ass out the door. Calling into the office to get my first appointment and off i went. I spend most days thinking incessantly as i drive towards whatever task i am asked to complete for my boss. Normally i over analyse things to death all day long, clinging to whatever negative thoughts i have been gripping about this ugly world i face daily. There's so much to grimace at in the world it isn't hard to find something or other that will help me hold that contempt. Grey skies, heavy rain lingering cold, lots on my plate to choose from. Its funny how in some weird way feeling crappy makes me content. Watching the latest in conspiracy videos on youtube and other obnoxious forums on the net has fill my brain with other tantalising thoughts to suffer though as well.

Armed with plenty of negative ammo i speed off into the city looking for broken heating/plumbing dilemma's that need my attention. After my first call i phone in to the office and get my second job. Boss says, " call this guy and get his address" Gives me a number and leaves it at that. Seems simple enough, so i call him. After awhile on the phone with this guy i finally say, " Yea i just need to know where you are and i can tell you how long till i get there" I'm thinking this is an easy enough question. The guy responds with, "I am at home". I'm stopped in my tracks, huh? " I just need to know where you are at so i can go there and fix your fireplace whats your address" The guy thinks a minute, "I'm at home" he says again. Now i cant help but feel a chuckle coming from within. How dare this asshole wreck my perfectly gloomy day. I asked him a third time but he was still no help so i gave up and told my boss to call him i was going to go grab a coffee. I eventually went to his house fixed his shit and overcharged him for being stupid.

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful, more rain, more dwelling on the fact that 9/11 was obviously a set up, our whole economic and governmental systems are totally corrupt and against the average person blah blah blah... Wishing i could change the world to better it in some major way like i was superman. Feeling shitty cause that idea is well, insane. Getting back to that shitty feeling i hold so dear. I always find a way back. Today is my appointment to see a mentor (shrink) of mine. Its been about 5 months since i have seen him. I'm not crazy or anything just feels good to talk to someone that has devoted his life to understanding humans. I get to his office and i figure i have him by the nuts with all the crap floating around in my head. I was actually hoping he would validate the negative things i have been dwelling on. Like always of course he doesn't. He tells me about his grandfather. How this guy fought in ww2 and lived through some of the ugliest scenes mankind ever produced and was still an optimistic man. That he saw friends, family and innocent people die and suffer. The guy still felt like the world wasn't such a bad place. That the world really is doing better than ever before. But i said look around we are on the verge of world war 3 and people are dying everyday for something that is completely cooked up (9/11) and he has the nerve to take that away from me. By saying that really if i looked closely at the world i am living in there is plenty of good things happening. There are plenty of freedoms i have at my whim. Yet i choose to view only the bad. I choose to think of the world around me as collapsing in. He asks me," You want to change the world and make it better for everyone around you?" "of course i do," i replied. "Then you don't even have to do anything, just realise the good that's already there and it will happen." Whoa this guy is like god or something, not only can i change my world completely but really i don't even have to do anything. Not doing things is what i am good at.

So for now i am sitting at home, just had a good nap, ate some junk food. Pondered what i have been told. I haven't really done anything. The world seems like a better place already. The knot in my gut is gone and the rain even stopped for a while....... Where do i go from here its a whole new place at the moment.